Knock, Knock.

A second, a minute, an hour, a day goes by

I'm hoping just to be by your side
I'm turning the handle, it won't open
Don't make me wait 'cause right now I need your smile
Knock, knock

I said I couldn't be without two people, and yes, that is true. But I also said that I didn't need anyone else? I do. I need every single one of those girls. The ones who hurt me, the two-faced ones, the barbies, the ones that are completely different people to who they used to be. Yes, I need them.

When life had locked me out I turned to you
So open the door
'Cause you're all I need right now, it's true
Nothing works like you

People change, and I get that. I'm so wrong, because I know I have changed too. I'm different around different people. My parents wouldn't like the way I am around my friends, my friends would think I'm different around my boyfriend. It's just the way things are.

You seem to know the way
To turn my frown upside down
You always know what to say
To make me feel like everything's okay

I don't know which part of me is the best. I don't care. Different people would think different things. I'm always happy, and that's the way I always want to be. Honestly, I'm happiest when I'm cuddled up with ♥ . When I'm there, there is nowhere else I would rather be, and when I'm not, its where I'm wishing I was.

A warm bath, a good laugh, an old song that you know by heart
I've tried it but they all leave me cold
So now I'm here waiting to see you
My remedy for all that's been hurting me
Knock, knock

Holiday tomorrow. I have never wanted to stay at home and watch the rain more in my life. I'm spending too long away from the friends which I haven't seen in ages, and too long away from ♥ who if it was up to me, I would see every single day anyway. Holiday's aren't all they are cracked up to be when you really don't want to go.

When life had locked me out I turned to you
And you open the door
And you're all I need right now, it's true
Nothing works like you

Look at me. In love. Deeply.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

The F word.

Its always there at the back of my mind. Just whispering. And I can't say it, just in case I jinx it. You can say it for silly reasons, and sometimes you say it and you don't really mean it. But I really do mean it. Do you want to hear it? Do you want me to say it? Or do you want me just to think it. For you to know its what I want, but for me never to say it, just in case it changes things, ruins things.

You said it when you were five, about your friends, or about living. And that was when it was silly, when it didn't really matter. You say it about a day, or a week or a year, lasting too long. But I mean it about this. The way everything is. The being happy, and the being in love. The me, and the you.
The me and you.
The us.
The F word.
Forever.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

These are the times we shall dream about...

There is something about being carefree and innocent. When every year feels like a lifetime. When every birthday is about the excitement of finally being four. Five. Six. Seven. When the biggest drama is the cut on your knee, or the fight over a skipping rope. When you can't wait to grow up. Go to "big school". Become a teenager. When nothing is more important than the moment . . . and we'll call them the good old days.

When you were four, it was all about learning to read, and write, and count. School at five was nothing more than games, and adding numbers to make 10. Writing quick sentences, and singing wind-the-bobbin-up with your friends. Pat-a-cake, row the boat, teddy bears picnic. When school was not about the lessons and the learning, but about meeting people and having fun. Communicating, making friends. Finally there was no parents telling you off constantly. You cant do that, don't do this. It was someone new. At the age of four, thrown into an ocean of strangers. On your own, for the very first time . . . when the years have rolled away we shall dream of the times we had, the songs we used to sing.

When summers were about making daisy chains on the school field. Playing tag and throwing cut grass at each other. When you actually didn't want a summer holiday, because you had more chance of seeing your friends at school. When seeing your friends was about inviting them round to play with dolls or going to their house to play on the swing they have in the garden. The one you always wished you had. When at Christmas you always wished for snow. You had never seen proper snow, but you know what it was. You wanted to make snowmen, like you had seen on the television. You didn't care what Christmas was about. To you, it was about the presents, the new Polly Pocket set. And seeing your family, the cousins and the grandparents that maybe you haven't seen in a couple of months . . . and while we're together let us laugh at the weather and, whatever the gods may bring.

But as the years go by, you grow out of Barbie, and the daisy chains. And you start to grow up. Boys suddenly aren't a different species any more. They aren't so disgusting. Your mummy doesn't dress you any more. You buy your own clothes. And you get embarrassed when daddy calls you his special little girl. You discover make up, and magazines. You finally move to "big school" and realise that it isn't all that it was cracked up to be. Its full of bitching, and this new thing they call hard work. You're growing up. Fast . . . when all our youth is but memory.

And now? Everyone has started to go their separate ways. Those friends you used to play Barbies with, they don't even look at you now when you pass in the corridor. Moving on. Moving on up. There is the pressure of exams. The pressure to have sex. The pressure to be someone you're not. And to be a girl, in the crazy teenage world, you realise that it's hard to be yourself in "big school". You have to stay true to yourself. Its not magical. Its hard work. Its different. Everything changes . . . and the years bring the parting of the ways.

But what can I say!? I'm living in it, and there is nothing I can do. It's all part of growing up, and there is no way out of it. And I'm telling the truth when I say that I'm loving it. I'm loving every single minute.

These are the times we shall dream about, and we'll call them the good old days.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

The truth . . .

Just an apology, because I'm happy to admit when I have made a mistake. And right now I have made a mistake. Saying things, and writing things about people who have been there for me. Some of them are true, and I'm not going to tell you what was right or wrong. But my favourite Barbie has a split personality. Sometimes she is in the wrong, and sometimes she is in the right, but she is the one girl who knows everything about me, even if she doesn't care about some of it. And sometimes she doesn't keep everything to herself. But then neither do I.

We both know that we are the happiest, luckiest two girls in the world. And I'm sorry about the things I say about you, but I'm not going to deny that I meant them. That maybe I still mean them, but nobody is perfect. You're a bitch, and so am I. And I love you. Bimbo.

I don't blog, I write . . . but this is just an apology, or a confession.
Just, Me.

...you make me happy, when skys are grey...

Right now, it's about being happy. So I'm done with thinking about the crap. You are my sunshine. You are my summer. And that's why I don't want to go away. I want to stay right here with you, every single day.

I can't write today. I can't tell you how I feel. Basically, I can't express it. Not in words, and not in writing. I can't tell you that I'm angry, because then I'm telling you too much, that you probably don't want to know. I can't tell you that I'm upset, because even though I might be, about certain things, I'm the happiest I have ever been. Ever. I can't tell you about me being happy and in love, because I will sound like a broken record. So I'm only writing becuase I want to, not because I have to. And today I have nothing to write about. This is it.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

Us against the world . . .

Standing strong and making a wall. You can't knock us.

My two favourite guys, opposites, yet each perfect. A best friend and a boyfriend. I couldn't give either of them up for anything. And they are all I care about now. Given up on the girl who let everyone around her sink.

The once upon a time:
Why do you think you are better than me? You're all for helping yourself. And I don't understand you anymore. We used to be really close friends, but now your advice is all about bigging yourself up, and putting everyone else down. And when I need your help, you always turn it around, to be about you. Again. Don't come running to me any more. I'm done with you now. Trust me.

And he came to save her:
People say things about you, you know it, and i know it. So what!? I wouldn't change a thing about you, you're always there and so am I. We both talk crap sometimes, and we both talk about ourselves too much. Sorry! But I know, that in 20 years time, you will be the only person who is still there for me, to listen to my crap, and actually care. And I'm sorry if I'm a bit blunt sometimes, but you are the most amazing friend I could wish for. And I will tell that to anyone who asks me. I don't care what anybody thinks. No other friend knows me the way you do.

Happily ever after:
How did I ever live without you? I love every single tiny thing about you, and the last few months have been the best of my life. I have never smiled so much, or spent more time thinking about, and wanting to be with one person. I could spend all day with you, without even saying a word. Just lying in bed, or in the sun, or in the rain, or under the stars, I could just lie there with you, doing nothing, saying nothing. Just being with you is perfect. I feel perfect when I'm with you, even though I know that in reality, I'm far off. How can someone like me, have the perfect guy? I don't want anything to change. Ever. I'm the happiest I have ever been. I can't tell you how much I love you. Always.

Because I don't want anyone to think I'm someone I'm not. I can be a horrible person. I can be two faced. I can speak my mind. I can have only one friend, and not need another. I can be selfish. I can talk too much. I can listen. I can give advice. I can be cheesy. I can fall in love. I can be the happiest girl in the world with nothing more than my two favourite guys.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

Living it for love.

Walking, walking, walking, and going to nowhere in particular. I don't really know why i like walking. I'm not into that hardcore kind of walking, hiking boots and backpacks and that kind of rubbish, and not with family or a big group either. That's the kind of walking i hate. I end up having to answer all these questions that people don't even care about the answer to anyway, they just ask to avoid those "awkward silences".

My kind of walks, are hand in hand kind of walks.
-Summer: walks along the beach, kicking up sand, messing, and tanning, and laughing in the sun.
-Autumn: walks in the park, jumping into puddles, throwing dry leaves, and climbing trees.
-Winter: walks in the snow, hugs to keep warm, snowball fights, catching snowflakes on our tongues, and making snow angels.
-Spring: walks in the countryside, lying on the grass, picking shapes in the clouds, making daisy chains, and the smell of freshly cut grass.

I guess what I'm getting at is, it doesn't matter where you go, or what you do, it's who you do it with. I couldn't just sit on a bench for a complete sunday afternoon doing absolutely nothing, with anyone else other than someone i love. And its only them that i could stay up all night just smiling with, and not caring about how i feel the next day, because I'm done with living in yesturday, or wondering about tomorrow. I'm all for the right here, right now, because that's the only thing you can do anything about.

The past has changed my present, so I'm living my present hoping my future is always going to be this good. Living it for love, and walking with whoever i want.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

One.

. . . three . . . two . . . one . . . one . . . one.

Right here, right now, I can think of only one single person who I would trust with my life. I don't know whether it's me who is changing, or if it's the people around me, and if I'm honest, i really don't care. The fact is, that everybody is growing up, moving on, meeting new people. Everyone except me, who seems to be last resort, and bottom of everybody's lists.

People who I've been friends with since I was five are changing. More important things to do, better places to go, different people to see. I'm the one left in the shadows. Again. People who swore we would always be friends are stabbing me in the back, leaking my secrets, using my plans.

As every other kid my age is asking their friends for excuses to tell their parents so that they can go out, I'm asking my parents for excuses to tell my friends so that i don't have to. Because if I do, i know I'm gonna be the one who has the piss ripped out of them, and who nobody actually gives a shit about and ignores for the whole day.

I guess it has to be me, because I've been shunned by everyone. Something I've done, something about the person I am. It's not that everyone else has been injected with bitch, its just that I don't get it.

Now, even the girl who called herself Retro Barbie Doll has changed, lost her title. Well part of it anyway. She's been melted down into pure plastic. Retro Barbie Doll, is now just another Barbie. She was the posh girl, who used the big words, and everybody laughed at because she wasn't the same. She came into our world and said she felt like she was on a 'plastic pedestal'. She knew, even then, just weeks after she started that she had chosen the wrong group of friends. But she was right, there was no going back, the door was closed. I still want her to be herself, and be that funky retro kid she was, joke about the things you want to joke about, speak how you want to speak, use the words you want to use. But, no. Even she laughs at me now. Pure plastic.

There's the girl who laughs at her own friends. "She's ginger, she's skanky, she's greasy, she's ugly, she's hairy, she looks like a man". And I'm not going to deny joining in, at times, when i had to. To be "fit-in". And for some reason, people are too scared to slag off this fat, bitchy, daddy's little princess, all bimboed up in her little blond world. I don't care anymore. I will say what i like and do what i like, because I'm fed up of pretending. Four years is more than enough for me.

I can only think of one person I have said something secret to, who has actually stuck to my wishes and not told anyone. Gossip is just too good nowadays. My bubbly, busty shell has a few cracks, but i think I'm scared of breaking out. If i do, and tell everyone what i really think, I'm going to be left on my own. One girl with absolutely no-one. Are fake friends better than no friends? I honestly don't know, and I am too scared to find out.

One person I can trust, and I would trust you with my life. I will tell you everything you ever want to know about me. Cliche, cheesy, but I love you with all my heart. Always.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

Ecstasy.

For the first time ever, i really dont care if we have sun or not this year. So far, its been miserable, and i honestly dont mind. I don't care if im tanned and can mess about on a beach, or if i go for a walk in a scarf and winter coat and kiss in the rain. Summer isn't about the sun and the ice cream; its about making it six weeks of pure ecstasy.

I'm not the type of person who enjoys a holiday. I'd prefer to spend my break with friends rather than family, or with a boyfriend; if i'm lucky enough. And this year, i am. But i am the kind of person who neglects my friends slightly whilst in a relationship. Sorry. I don't mean to. And how cliché is it, to say that i have taken a ride on this crazy rollercoaster ride they call love. Yes, it is cliché, but its so true. Im trapped in a cart with just one other person, having the time of my life, going round and round and round and round and . . .

I can't get off until its finished, and i don't want it to end either. Not ever.

My summer ecstasy, is my walks on the beach, my kisses in the rain, my warm evening barbeques, my lazy cuddled up mornings, my evenings spent stargazing, my afternoons watching raindrops racing down the windows, my making time for friends, my spending time how I want.

My being in love. My making it beautiful. My perfect ecstasy.

I dont blog. I write.
Just, Me.

Classic?

So maybe I'm not your average blogger. Maybe I don’t write how I should. But maybe I write how I want to write, and I'm hoping that’s okay. I don't know what to say, or how to begin, so I'm writing it, straight out of my head. How it comes.

After 3 months, I have finally uploaded my LA pictures, and just checked out the LA video. After being caught up on 2 completely different guys for 8 months before, in the video, and the photos, I actually look truly happy. And I was, for the first time in ages. It was the time when everything changed. And it changed for the best. It wasn't even the holiday that made me this happy kid that I am, it was good old facebook. And one boy who cared!

1. A drugged up smoker, who yes, came across as the perfect guy. Maybe? It was only 2 weeks, and it was a good two weeks. But it wasn't love. He was a two-faced, lying, cheating, BASTARD. But now? We are friends. And if I'm honest, it’s strange because in all this time, tiny insignificant me, was the one person who changed this guy. And maybe he will be "the perfect guy", but it will be for someone who wants him. And that’s not me anymore, and it hasn't been in ages.

2. Older, by 4 and a half years. To be honest, I don’t know who this guy ever thought he was? Did he know what he was doing? He said things that made me feel like I was the only person who mattered to him. Pfftt!! I laugh how pathetic this 20 year old boy is. I thought I needed to grow up so I could be with him! I think he needs to grow up so he can look in the mirror and see what a twat he is. In an immature teenage relationship, acting like a married couple? And you know what the funniest thing is? He is scared of me! I'm not a threat to him, and I never was. I don’t think I ever had any real feelings for him, but he made me believe I did. Gay.

3. Basically, I love you. That’s it. Everything. I’m the happiest I have ever been and I don’t want anything to change. Trust me. This is perfection.

So what’s my point? I really don’t know. I guess, money truly can't buy you happiness. In LA, boiling hot, one of the most amazing places on earth, and why am I happy? Because I receive a facebook message from a mathlete, and I know it’s going to be something awesome. It didn't really take anything for him to change the way I thought, and felt about 2 completely different people. Just a chat. That’s it. You are my smile.

I don't blog. I write.
Just, Me.