The finer things in life . .

I would choose a jar full of the fluffy bits of clouds. I would capture an autumn sunset, complete with the scent of damp trees, and the coolness of the air, and the sound of the leaves caressing your feet as your walk. I would have toothpaste kisses, and the hugs that are meant for stopping your tears, but just make them come harder.
I would have a elderly couple walking hand in hand on the beach, reminiscing on the past, and discussing tonight's dinner. There would be a girl crying on her bed, heartbroken for the first time, holding close her teddy that has been in the back of her wardrobe for the past seven years. There would be a mother holding a baby, hours old crying with joy and pride. And a daughter watching as her father took his last breath, her last moment as daddy's little girl.
I would have the sound of dawn, and of dusk, and the smell of the first barbecue of the summer. There would be the butterflies that explore your stomach when your hand brushes past "the one". I would choose the feel of a hand, stroking your face, and the look someone gives you before they kiss you, the look that says 'always'.
I would have my first laugh, my childlike giggle, my proper belly laugh, my uncontrollable laugh, my dignified chuckle, and the smiling laugh when your kissing someone who will always matter.
I would have home cooked meals, and Sunday roasts. Hot tea and biscuits, and fish and chips. Picnics on the beach and in the park and in the woods. Walks in wellies and jumping in puddles. The smell of baking and the taste of grandmas puddings.
The gaps between your fingers which were perfectly crafted to fit someone elses. And the way you hands play and dance together as you talk, without you even realising it. The sound of the sea, and the smell of the beach. How sand looks when its running through your fingers. The way raindrops chase each other, racing down the windows of the car, and how you will just that one to win. Cuddles in bed on lazy Sundays. When your feeling down, and a stranger gives you a huge smile. Daisy chains and freshly cut grass. Birds swimming through the clouds.

These are all the things that I think makes life wonderful. The things that make us human, and the things that make humanity so great.
The way we live.
The way we love.
♥

I am so scared.

Scared of seeing you. Scared of seeing how you react when you so me. Scared most of all, of you not reacting atall. Of you looking at me, but not seeing me. Casting your eyes over me, as just one of many. Of you not even recognising me of someone you knew. Let alone someone you loved.

The one thing I ask, is that you don't ignore me. I want to warn you of how I will act, because I tell you now, I will not cope with seeing you. I will sit, and shake, and I won't be able to breath. My chest will hurt, and my heart will beat so hard that I will be able to hear it. You will be able to see it beating through my chest. I will be breaking inside. I won't keep it together. I will cry, and I will be back to square one again. And you will be the only one who can make it better.

When this happens to me, come a sit with me. Put your arm round me, and help me to breath. Wipe my tears. Don't let me break. Put your hand on my heart and calm me down.
Tell me you're sorry. And mean it.
That's what I want.

Still missing you.
Always loving you.
♥

Why can't people understand?
Its not him.
Its not anyone else because nobody else is you.
And its you.
Its always you.

And that's the end of it.
♥

Don't you understand? I would NEVER be okay with this. I don't know how you could ever have thought that this would be fine. Every day I get further and further away from you. Every day is worse than the last. Missing you ♥

Changing, coping, and changing some more . .

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything reminds me of you. Going for a walk, and I pass our bench, in the car, and I remember when we walked there, on one of our days out. In my room, I look at the cupboard where I used to keep all the random little things I found or bought for you. And the teddy you bought me, the one that sits on my shelf and watches me while I cry.

When I'm thinking about you, I'll take it down from the shelf and hug it, pretend its you. Wipe my tears on you. You made me cry, you can wipe my tears. How sad is it that some teddy is the only thing I have?

You won't talk to me. Every time I'm online and I see your name pop up, I die a little bit more inside. Yes, maybe that is cliche, but it's true.

For two weeks, yes I did cope. I was fine, I just hated you, resented you for what you did to me. But then there was that day when everything changed. And I can't cope anymore. Everyday, its like I'm further away from when you loved me. I'm sinking into this darkness, this world where I'm the only person that exists. I don't want anyone else. Nobody else can make me smile anymore. Its just you. Only you. And you don't care if I smile or not. So I don't.

This isn't a blog anymore. It never was. It was all for you. Like when you write letters and don't send them, that's what this is. It's all my letters to you. I'm writing to you but you don't read them. You don't know. You don't care.

Christmas. I'm going to write you a letter. I'm going to put everything into it and send you a letter. That will be my Christmas present to you. Don't worry, I'm not expecting anything back. I don't know why I ever did. Why I could ever believe you cared.

Never going to be over. I'm sorry.
I love you.
Always, I promise.
That's not what you want to hear, but then you aren't hearing it, are you.
And it's just the truth anyway ♥

And she will keep on trying . .

Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was nothing special, just average. Average looking, average personality. Nothing different, nothing new, nothing unusual. She had a nice childhood, I mean, yeah, shit happened, but it does for everyone right? And then she became a teenager. She found out what love was. Yes, that's where the REAL shit happens. She had loved people before, many times. She had truly loved 3 people, but only once, had she been in love. And this was her problem.
This girl, she fell in love with a mathlete. He wasn't the best looking guy she had ever seen, maybe to anyone else, he was nothing special. But she loved him. She really really did. She had the best 6 months of her life being in love with this boy. He loved her, and they walked, and talked, and laughed, and did these amazing things that to anyone else would be, average.
He had an amazing family that she grew to love too. She loved it when she was able to spend time with them. She loved talking to them about anything and nothing and everything. She spent her favorite weekends at their house, just belonging.
Then, one day, the boy, he decided his feelings had changed. After he had spent the weekend with this girl, at his house, going to London, he didn't feel it was working anymore. So he took everything this girl loved away from her. And that day, she cried more than she had ever cried before in her life. She cried her whole life out. Everything.
But that was all she could manage. Just that day, and after that, she didn't care. She hated him. She didn't understand how he could do that to her. She felt dirty and used. And she honestly felt nothing for him, but she didn't know how. She was just rolling with life as it came, because it was the easiest thing to do.
This was until, she spoke to his mum. This woman was the most amazing person in the world! Anyone would wish to have a mum like this one. And when she saw her, and they talked about everything, that was when she realised, that the day she would not love this woman's son anymore, was a lifetime away. And this woman, she seemed to want this girl to keep loving her son.
She does realise that he has already moved on. That he probably doesn't care about her at all anymore. But there is nothing else she can do now, because the day she will stop loving him is not going to come soon. So whether its moving on, or trying to keep something alive between them, she will keep trying. Always.

No happily ever after here.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

FML

Ever find yourself getting over a breakup really well? Until in the same day, you manage to see your ex for the first time since you broke up, and, you also manage to bump into his mum in the evening, hug her, have a nice little chat and heart to heart, then make her cry.

Yes, I am the girl who managed to do that.

This girl thought she was over it and moving on already. She didn't think she missed him anymore. She didn't think she loved you anymore. She was so wrong. FML.

I don't blog, I write. And I miss you, always.
Just, Me.