The finer things in life . .

I would choose a jar full of the fluffy bits of clouds. I would capture an autumn sunset, complete with the scent of damp trees, and the coolness of the air, and the sound of the leaves caressing your feet as your walk. I would have toothpaste kisses, and the hugs that are meant for stopping your tears, but just make them come harder.
I would have a elderly couple walking hand in hand on the beach, reminiscing on the past, and discussing tonight's dinner. There would be a girl crying on her bed, heartbroken for the first time, holding close her teddy that has been in the back of her wardrobe for the past seven years. There would be a mother holding a baby, hours old crying with joy and pride. And a daughter watching as her father took his last breath, her last moment as daddy's little girl.
I would have the sound of dawn, and of dusk, and the smell of the first barbecue of the summer. There would be the butterflies that explore your stomach when your hand brushes past "the one". I would choose the feel of a hand, stroking your face, and the look someone gives you before they kiss you, the look that says 'always'.
I would have my first laugh, my childlike giggle, my proper belly laugh, my uncontrollable laugh, my dignified chuckle, and the smiling laugh when your kissing someone who will always matter.
I would have home cooked meals, and Sunday roasts. Hot tea and biscuits, and fish and chips. Picnics on the beach and in the park and in the woods. Walks in wellies and jumping in puddles. The smell of baking and the taste of grandmas puddings.
The gaps between your fingers which were perfectly crafted to fit someone elses. And the way you hands play and dance together as you talk, without you even realising it. The sound of the sea, and the smell of the beach. How sand looks when its running through your fingers. The way raindrops chase each other, racing down the windows of the car, and how you will just that one to win. Cuddles in bed on lazy Sundays. When your feeling down, and a stranger gives you a huge smile. Daisy chains and freshly cut grass. Birds swimming through the clouds.

These are all the things that I think makes life wonderful. The things that make us human, and the things that make humanity so great.
The way we live.
The way we love.
♥

I am so scared.

Scared of seeing you. Scared of seeing how you react when you so me. Scared most of all, of you not reacting atall. Of you looking at me, but not seeing me. Casting your eyes over me, as just one of many. Of you not even recognising me of someone you knew. Let alone someone you loved.

The one thing I ask, is that you don't ignore me. I want to warn you of how I will act, because I tell you now, I will not cope with seeing you. I will sit, and shake, and I won't be able to breath. My chest will hurt, and my heart will beat so hard that I will be able to hear it. You will be able to see it beating through my chest. I will be breaking inside. I won't keep it together. I will cry, and I will be back to square one again. And you will be the only one who can make it better.

When this happens to me, come a sit with me. Put your arm round me, and help me to breath. Wipe my tears. Don't let me break. Put your hand on my heart and calm me down.
Tell me you're sorry. And mean it.
That's what I want.

Still missing you.
Always loving you.
♥

Why can't people understand?
Its not him.
Its not anyone else because nobody else is you.
And its you.
Its always you.

And that's the end of it.
♥

Don't you understand? I would NEVER be okay with this. I don't know how you could ever have thought that this would be fine. Every day I get further and further away from you. Every day is worse than the last. Missing you ♥

Changing, coping, and changing some more . .

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything reminds me of you. Going for a walk, and I pass our bench, in the car, and I remember when we walked there, on one of our days out. In my room, I look at the cupboard where I used to keep all the random little things I found or bought for you. And the teddy you bought me, the one that sits on my shelf and watches me while I cry.

When I'm thinking about you, I'll take it down from the shelf and hug it, pretend its you. Wipe my tears on you. You made me cry, you can wipe my tears. How sad is it that some teddy is the only thing I have?

You won't talk to me. Every time I'm online and I see your name pop up, I die a little bit more inside. Yes, maybe that is cliche, but it's true.

For two weeks, yes I did cope. I was fine, I just hated you, resented you for what you did to me. But then there was that day when everything changed. And I can't cope anymore. Everyday, its like I'm further away from when you loved me. I'm sinking into this darkness, this world where I'm the only person that exists. I don't want anyone else. Nobody else can make me smile anymore. Its just you. Only you. And you don't care if I smile or not. So I don't.

This isn't a blog anymore. It never was. It was all for you. Like when you write letters and don't send them, that's what this is. It's all my letters to you. I'm writing to you but you don't read them. You don't know. You don't care.

Christmas. I'm going to write you a letter. I'm going to put everything into it and send you a letter. That will be my Christmas present to you. Don't worry, I'm not expecting anything back. I don't know why I ever did. Why I could ever believe you cared.

Never going to be over. I'm sorry.
I love you.
Always, I promise.
That's not what you want to hear, but then you aren't hearing it, are you.
And it's just the truth anyway ♥

And she will keep on trying . .

Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was nothing special, just average. Average looking, average personality. Nothing different, nothing new, nothing unusual. She had a nice childhood, I mean, yeah, shit happened, but it does for everyone right? And then she became a teenager. She found out what love was. Yes, that's where the REAL shit happens. She had loved people before, many times. She had truly loved 3 people, but only once, had she been in love. And this was her problem.
This girl, she fell in love with a mathlete. He wasn't the best looking guy she had ever seen, maybe to anyone else, he was nothing special. But she loved him. She really really did. She had the best 6 months of her life being in love with this boy. He loved her, and they walked, and talked, and laughed, and did these amazing things that to anyone else would be, average.
He had an amazing family that she grew to love too. She loved it when she was able to spend time with them. She loved talking to them about anything and nothing and everything. She spent her favorite weekends at their house, just belonging.
Then, one day, the boy, he decided his feelings had changed. After he had spent the weekend with this girl, at his house, going to London, he didn't feel it was working anymore. So he took everything this girl loved away from her. And that day, she cried more than she had ever cried before in her life. She cried her whole life out. Everything.
But that was all she could manage. Just that day, and after that, she didn't care. She hated him. She didn't understand how he could do that to her. She felt dirty and used. And she honestly felt nothing for him, but she didn't know how. She was just rolling with life as it came, because it was the easiest thing to do.
This was until, she spoke to his mum. This woman was the most amazing person in the world! Anyone would wish to have a mum like this one. And when she saw her, and they talked about everything, that was when she realised, that the day she would not love this woman's son anymore, was a lifetime away. And this woman, she seemed to want this girl to keep loving her son.
She does realise that he has already moved on. That he probably doesn't care about her at all anymore. But there is nothing else she can do now, because the day she will stop loving him is not going to come soon. So whether its moving on, or trying to keep something alive between them, she will keep trying. Always.

No happily ever after here.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

FML

Ever find yourself getting over a breakup really well? Until in the same day, you manage to see your ex for the first time since you broke up, and, you also manage to bump into his mum in the evening, hug her, have a nice little chat and heart to heart, then make her cry.

Yes, I am the girl who managed to do that.

This girl thought she was over it and moving on already. She didn't think she missed him anymore. She didn't think she loved you anymore. She was so wrong. FML.

I don't blog, I write. And I miss you, always.
Just, Me.

The New Way . .

Thomas.

I don't miss you. I just miss that fact that I used to miss you. I wish I still missed you. Because then I could cling onto the fact that once, I loved you. You meant so much to me, and now you can't mean anything, because to you, I'm just some girl you once knew. You were never just something, because right from the word go, you were everything. Something would be new. Something would mean we could be friends. I loved you from the start, and you loved me, because we began it all with everything. And because you were everything, I wish you were still something. Not everything, just something. But I don't love you anymore. I don't miss you.

That means you're nothing.

But, I promised for the F word, and that promise still stands. I'm not saying I'm yours for always, I'm saying that for always, I'm here.

♥

Breakthrough.

Guess what!? Your smile doesn't bother me anymore. I'm not going to pretend that I don't miss you. But I just accept the fact that things have changed, and I'm actually okay with that. I still hate you for what you did to me. I hate the fact that you're happy, because you don't deserve to be.

Spiteful? Maybe. Unfair? Definitely not.

I did love you. No question about that one. But that's fine, and I'm allowed to admit that. I worry that I am over you already. I feel like I should care more that you didn't want me. Care more that you pretended to love me. But I don't. It hurts still, a little. But I don't care.

The most important thing right now is the fact that I am happy. Happier even than I was when I was with you. Yes I am. I have more friends than I have had in ages, I'm meeting new people, and if I'm honest, everything is coming up roses.

I need love, but I don't need yours babe. I'm moving on. Moving on up. To bigger and better things. Yes that's right, better than you.

Check my smile my love, just check it!

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

. . . all I need right now . . .

All I wanted was for you to smile and tell me that you're sorry. To hold me and kiss my head and play with my hair. Just for you to say "I love you". But you didn't.

You hurt me. You made me cry and you laughed about it. You told me that "it wasn't working". You told me that after letting me stay with you all weekend. Taking me to London. Telling me you do love me. Letting me believe that everything is perfect. Leading me on. Lying.

And as I lay there in your arms, crying, dying, you said nothing. You didn't care. There is nothing you could have done that would have hurt me more than what you did to me. You never even admitted to a mistake. You made me apologise. You made me feel like everything was my fault.

You couldn't tell your parents, and you let them talk to me about my birthday, and the weekend, and Christmas, and the future. You let them do that knowing full well, that I would probably never see them again. Never get the chance to thank them for all they did for me.

Everything you said to me afterwards made me feel worse and worse. You made me feel like you never loved me, never could, and you made me feel like nobody else could ever love me.
I have been hurting for the past two months. You treated me like crap for two months. But I put up with it, because I love you. Loved you. Love you. I thought it was a blip, a phase, that everything would go back to normal. That you were finding things hard. That you loved me. And you didn't. So why lie?
You were my everything.
I mean it.
Everything.

I lost you.

I lost everything.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

Help . .

Thankyou to the beautiful ones who are there. The small minority of people who I call my friends. The ones who listen to this crap. The ones who have actually been able to reduce me to tears. The ones who have seen me cry.
If you know it all, then I trust you and I love you.
Always worrying nowadays.
The ones I always thought would be there, I'm beginning to doubt. Sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. I stopped being so paranoid. I actually began to change. Began to deal with the way things were. I did what I needed to do, so you need to do the same now. You people. You really do. Because I'm not coping, but still, don't expect me to give up. Through this, I'm realising that I'm tougher than I thought. I'm hard to crack, and you do have the power to crack me. But don't expect me to tell you that.
Just help me . .

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

. . . Onwards and Upwards . . .

October.

Autumn.
This is it.

Give anyone a summer sunset, and they will tell you it's beautiful. Give them an autumn sunset, and it will leave them breathless. Birds darting across an open sky, a giant canvas painted without line, only colour. Pinks, reds, oranges, lilacs, and someone dabbed on some navy's and deep purples to make fluffy clouds. Hiding places for the birds games.

And then there is the sun. Low, making the hills glow like the embers of a dying fire. Everything in the distance is only silhouettes - not because it’s dark, it may still be relatively light – but just because the sun takes over the skyline and nothing else is quite as beautiful or important. And the sun sinks, burying itself, and drowning in the hills, until all you can see, is the last light dancing through the gaps in the branches of bare trees and naked hedgerows.

You can't beat a walk in the park in autumn. The sun is shining, but you still have to wrap up warm. Coats, scarves, gloves, and those silly looking hats that you can't help but laugh at. Jeans and warm padded boots. You run, being chased by crisp brown leaves, covering your shoes, gripping to your clothes, and stuck to your hair, trapped, unable to escape. And you don't care, the sun, the blue sky, the white clouds, the rain, the rainbow. And the laughter. The genuine smiles and laughter. The kind that only, that classic autumn day brings.

People rave about summer, the sun and the beach. They love the snow in winter. They think that spring is new and beautiful.

For me, this is it. Bring on the first frost. Get me started on my autumn.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

Where I'm Walking . . .

I am an annoying person. If you know me, then that's it. The way I am. I can try to change, infact I have. But that doesn't work, because then I don't even talk atall, and that is just not me. I am also quite a hypocritical person sometimes. I will say things about the way people are, or judge them about something they do, but then expect them not to do it to me? No, that's not fair of me. But I would say, that most of all, I am a paranoid person. Every little tiny insignificant thing makes a huge impact on me, and I get upset over the stupidest things that shouldn't really matter, and wouldn't to anyone else.

The fact that I'm annoying makes me wonder why anyone could be friends with me. Like me? Love me? I put myself in other peoples shoes. If I were them, I wouldn't give me the time of day. I wouldn't have any time for me. Atall. I'd shut me out, and laugh at me. Maybe in that sense, I'm not hypocritical. I don't expect people do be friends with me, because I'm not the kind of person I would be friends with myself. I have to say, that I don't spend alot of time with people - friends - anymore. We have grown apart, and yes, I would say that it's my fault for not involving myself. But that all stems back to me not wanting them to feel that they have to like me, or have to spend time with me, because I am annoying.

Does that make me hypocritical?
Or does it make me the opposite?
Does it make me a selfish person?
Or does it make me selfless?
I honestly don't know. I guess it depends on who you are ad which way you look at it.

Because I don't believe that anyone should want to like me, or love me. Because I don't want them to feel pressured into spending time with someone like me, I am paranoid. That is why. I don't think that people should feel a certain way about me, but that doesn't mean that I can't feel this way about them. I fall in love deeper than anyone could ever know. And right now, I am stuck, because I'm centered around you. My whole life is centered on you. The way I feel each day depends on you. And only you.

Now that you are at college with all these beautiful and amazing girls, I am even more paranoid, because I know that any one of them could see you in exactly the same way I do. Could fall for you like I did. Can love you in the way I always will. And I don't know why you would want to be with me anymore. Because you could, you can, and you always will be able to do so much better than tiny insignificant little me. And I know this, not as a guess, but as a fact. But I also know that you wouldn't cheat. But that doesn't mean that you won't find something better. Get bored of me. Like I am of myself.

I need to let it go. Not get upset if you take 3 hours to reply to my messages. Not cry if i have to go a whole day without talking to you. Not spend every day thinking that THIS is our last together. I know you need time for yourself, and I want you to have more time without me, because you need it. But I also need to know you're there, and know you love me. And the problem is, that I do know that. I always know that. I just don't believe myself, because I know who I am.

You're the centre of my world.
I need to stop tunneling through to find you. Constantly.
I'm going to do what you need.
What I need.
What we both need.
Loving you always, but only giving you love when you want it or need it.
I'm not making sense, not saying what I want in the way I want to say it.
I'm only using my tunnel when you open the door.
You're still the centre of my world, but I'm taking a walk around the equator.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

If you just smile . . .

For the past four months, I have been happy every single day. There hasn't been one moment when I haven't been walking around without a huge smile on my face. And whenever anything doesn't go right, you always manage to say something that makes it all okay.

I'm sat here, knowing I'm not going to see you for a week, but I'm wearing my hoody that you sprayed with your aftershave, and I smell of you. Feeling like you're giving me a big hug. Being reminded that you love me. And I'm smiling even now. Always smiling.

I have never felt like this before. That whatever happens, and whatever anybody says, nothing can bring me down. Absolutely nothing atall. And it really is the best feeling in the world, because I am so happy to finally just be me.

Before, when I went away, I really didn't want to leave, because I didn't want to be away from you for a week. 2 weeks. Almost 3 weeks. And even though I missed you, it really wasn't so bad, because when I got back I was so excited to see you. And we had an amazing day together just hanging out and doing not alot.

I don't know what it was, but yesterday something really clicked. And I really realised that this is completely real. Together, me and you are completely real, and nothing has ever felt more real, or important, or perfect, or right. I'm not just talking about boyfriends, I'm talking about everything, relationships, friendships, people, and life in general. Out of everything that has ever happened to me, you are the most real thing. The first real right thing in my life.

So I want to say thankyou to you making sure that not a day goes by when you don't make me smile. Thankyou for always making me happy. Thankyou for always making everything okay. Thankyou for being with me, and most of all, thankyou for just being you. I love you.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

The One.

Dear You,

I'm not saying that I think that everybody has their "one", or their "soul mate" because there are billions of people in this world, and you can't meet all of them. I'm sure that there are thousands of other guys I would be compatible with, who I could work with, who I could be happy with, and possibly spend the rest of my life with. And I know that many people would think it's silly of me to say this, because I'm still only young, and I do have the rest of my life still to live. But in this moment, right now, I know I want to spend all of it with you.

Every single moment I spend with you, makes me love you more and more. Every time I say goodbye to you, I think 'there is no way I possibly love this guy any more than I do right now', and the next time, you better yourself, which I never thought you could do.

I love being at your house, and spending time with you and your family. I also feel guilty, because you've only been to my house once, and you've hardly even spoken to my family, but recently, I seem to have spent more time at your house than I have at home! Your family make me feel so welcome, and they always make me feel part of your family. I love that. They are the funniest and kindest people I have ever met, and I feel so happy, and proud to be a part of that.

I love the way you spend time on your "little games". You have your "nerdy time". It makes me laugh. You know it makes me laugh, and I take the piss a bit, but I hope you don't mind. I know you don't mind. You know I'm joking. You know I love you - even if you are a nerd!

Basically, I just want you to know that I do, and always will love every single little thing about you . . . even if we don't last for The F Word. It's a long time, and we have a long way to go yet, but I'm excited, and nervous, and every day I can't wait for the next. I'm not saying you're "the one", but I'm saying you're my one, for as long as you want to be, and whenever you do. I'm yours, always and The F Word.

I love you.
I'm not blogging, I'm writing. Just for you.
Just, Me.

Knock, Knock.

A second, a minute, an hour, a day goes by

I'm hoping just to be by your side
I'm turning the handle, it won't open
Don't make me wait 'cause right now I need your smile
Knock, knock

I said I couldn't be without two people, and yes, that is true. But I also said that I didn't need anyone else? I do. I need every single one of those girls. The ones who hurt me, the two-faced ones, the barbies, the ones that are completely different people to who they used to be. Yes, I need them.

When life had locked me out I turned to you
So open the door
'Cause you're all I need right now, it's true
Nothing works like you

People change, and I get that. I'm so wrong, because I know I have changed too. I'm different around different people. My parents wouldn't like the way I am around my friends, my friends would think I'm different around my boyfriend. It's just the way things are.

You seem to know the way
To turn my frown upside down
You always know what to say
To make me feel like everything's okay

I don't know which part of me is the best. I don't care. Different people would think different things. I'm always happy, and that's the way I always want to be. Honestly, I'm happiest when I'm cuddled up with ♥ . When I'm there, there is nowhere else I would rather be, and when I'm not, its where I'm wishing I was.

A warm bath, a good laugh, an old song that you know by heart
I've tried it but they all leave me cold
So now I'm here waiting to see you
My remedy for all that's been hurting me
Knock, knock

Holiday tomorrow. I have never wanted to stay at home and watch the rain more in my life. I'm spending too long away from the friends which I haven't seen in ages, and too long away from ♥ who if it was up to me, I would see every single day anyway. Holiday's aren't all they are cracked up to be when you really don't want to go.

When life had locked me out I turned to you
And you open the door
And you're all I need right now, it's true
Nothing works like you

Look at me. In love. Deeply.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

The F word.

Its always there at the back of my mind. Just whispering. And I can't say it, just in case I jinx it. You can say it for silly reasons, and sometimes you say it and you don't really mean it. But I really do mean it. Do you want to hear it? Do you want me to say it? Or do you want me just to think it. For you to know its what I want, but for me never to say it, just in case it changes things, ruins things.

You said it when you were five, about your friends, or about living. And that was when it was silly, when it didn't really matter. You say it about a day, or a week or a year, lasting too long. But I mean it about this. The way everything is. The being happy, and the being in love. The me, and the you.
The me and you.
The us.
The F word.
Forever.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

These are the times we shall dream about...

There is something about being carefree and innocent. When every year feels like a lifetime. When every birthday is about the excitement of finally being four. Five. Six. Seven. When the biggest drama is the cut on your knee, or the fight over a skipping rope. When you can't wait to grow up. Go to "big school". Become a teenager. When nothing is more important than the moment . . . and we'll call them the good old days.

When you were four, it was all about learning to read, and write, and count. School at five was nothing more than games, and adding numbers to make 10. Writing quick sentences, and singing wind-the-bobbin-up with your friends. Pat-a-cake, row the boat, teddy bears picnic. When school was not about the lessons and the learning, but about meeting people and having fun. Communicating, making friends. Finally there was no parents telling you off constantly. You cant do that, don't do this. It was someone new. At the age of four, thrown into an ocean of strangers. On your own, for the very first time . . . when the years have rolled away we shall dream of the times we had, the songs we used to sing.

When summers were about making daisy chains on the school field. Playing tag and throwing cut grass at each other. When you actually didn't want a summer holiday, because you had more chance of seeing your friends at school. When seeing your friends was about inviting them round to play with dolls or going to their house to play on the swing they have in the garden. The one you always wished you had. When at Christmas you always wished for snow. You had never seen proper snow, but you know what it was. You wanted to make snowmen, like you had seen on the television. You didn't care what Christmas was about. To you, it was about the presents, the new Polly Pocket set. And seeing your family, the cousins and the grandparents that maybe you haven't seen in a couple of months . . . and while we're together let us laugh at the weather and, whatever the gods may bring.

But as the years go by, you grow out of Barbie, and the daisy chains. And you start to grow up. Boys suddenly aren't a different species any more. They aren't so disgusting. Your mummy doesn't dress you any more. You buy your own clothes. And you get embarrassed when daddy calls you his special little girl. You discover make up, and magazines. You finally move to "big school" and realise that it isn't all that it was cracked up to be. Its full of bitching, and this new thing they call hard work. You're growing up. Fast . . . when all our youth is but memory.

And now? Everyone has started to go their separate ways. Those friends you used to play Barbies with, they don't even look at you now when you pass in the corridor. Moving on. Moving on up. There is the pressure of exams. The pressure to have sex. The pressure to be someone you're not. And to be a girl, in the crazy teenage world, you realise that it's hard to be yourself in "big school". You have to stay true to yourself. Its not magical. Its hard work. Its different. Everything changes . . . and the years bring the parting of the ways.

But what can I say!? I'm living in it, and there is nothing I can do. It's all part of growing up, and there is no way out of it. And I'm telling the truth when I say that I'm loving it. I'm loving every single minute.

These are the times we shall dream about, and we'll call them the good old days.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

The truth . . .

Just an apology, because I'm happy to admit when I have made a mistake. And right now I have made a mistake. Saying things, and writing things about people who have been there for me. Some of them are true, and I'm not going to tell you what was right or wrong. But my favourite Barbie has a split personality. Sometimes she is in the wrong, and sometimes she is in the right, but she is the one girl who knows everything about me, even if she doesn't care about some of it. And sometimes she doesn't keep everything to herself. But then neither do I.

We both know that we are the happiest, luckiest two girls in the world. And I'm sorry about the things I say about you, but I'm not going to deny that I meant them. That maybe I still mean them, but nobody is perfect. You're a bitch, and so am I. And I love you. Bimbo.

I don't blog, I write . . . but this is just an apology, or a confession.
Just, Me.

...you make me happy, when skys are grey...

Right now, it's about being happy. So I'm done with thinking about the crap. You are my sunshine. You are my summer. And that's why I don't want to go away. I want to stay right here with you, every single day.

I can't write today. I can't tell you how I feel. Basically, I can't express it. Not in words, and not in writing. I can't tell you that I'm angry, because then I'm telling you too much, that you probably don't want to know. I can't tell you that I'm upset, because even though I might be, about certain things, I'm the happiest I have ever been. Ever. I can't tell you about me being happy and in love, because I will sound like a broken record. So I'm only writing becuase I want to, not because I have to. And today I have nothing to write about. This is it.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

Us against the world . . .

Standing strong and making a wall. You can't knock us.

My two favourite guys, opposites, yet each perfect. A best friend and a boyfriend. I couldn't give either of them up for anything. And they are all I care about now. Given up on the girl who let everyone around her sink.

The once upon a time:
Why do you think you are better than me? You're all for helping yourself. And I don't understand you anymore. We used to be really close friends, but now your advice is all about bigging yourself up, and putting everyone else down. And when I need your help, you always turn it around, to be about you. Again. Don't come running to me any more. I'm done with you now. Trust me.

And he came to save her:
People say things about you, you know it, and i know it. So what!? I wouldn't change a thing about you, you're always there and so am I. We both talk crap sometimes, and we both talk about ourselves too much. Sorry! But I know, that in 20 years time, you will be the only person who is still there for me, to listen to my crap, and actually care. And I'm sorry if I'm a bit blunt sometimes, but you are the most amazing friend I could wish for. And I will tell that to anyone who asks me. I don't care what anybody thinks. No other friend knows me the way you do.

Happily ever after:
How did I ever live without you? I love every single tiny thing about you, and the last few months have been the best of my life. I have never smiled so much, or spent more time thinking about, and wanting to be with one person. I could spend all day with you, without even saying a word. Just lying in bed, or in the sun, or in the rain, or under the stars, I could just lie there with you, doing nothing, saying nothing. Just being with you is perfect. I feel perfect when I'm with you, even though I know that in reality, I'm far off. How can someone like me, have the perfect guy? I don't want anything to change. Ever. I'm the happiest I have ever been. I can't tell you how much I love you. Always.

Because I don't want anyone to think I'm someone I'm not. I can be a horrible person. I can be two faced. I can speak my mind. I can have only one friend, and not need another. I can be selfish. I can talk too much. I can listen. I can give advice. I can be cheesy. I can fall in love. I can be the happiest girl in the world with nothing more than my two favourite guys.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

Living it for love.

Walking, walking, walking, and going to nowhere in particular. I don't really know why i like walking. I'm not into that hardcore kind of walking, hiking boots and backpacks and that kind of rubbish, and not with family or a big group either. That's the kind of walking i hate. I end up having to answer all these questions that people don't even care about the answer to anyway, they just ask to avoid those "awkward silences".

My kind of walks, are hand in hand kind of walks.
-Summer: walks along the beach, kicking up sand, messing, and tanning, and laughing in the sun.
-Autumn: walks in the park, jumping into puddles, throwing dry leaves, and climbing trees.
-Winter: walks in the snow, hugs to keep warm, snowball fights, catching snowflakes on our tongues, and making snow angels.
-Spring: walks in the countryside, lying on the grass, picking shapes in the clouds, making daisy chains, and the smell of freshly cut grass.

I guess what I'm getting at is, it doesn't matter where you go, or what you do, it's who you do it with. I couldn't just sit on a bench for a complete sunday afternoon doing absolutely nothing, with anyone else other than someone i love. And its only them that i could stay up all night just smiling with, and not caring about how i feel the next day, because I'm done with living in yesturday, or wondering about tomorrow. I'm all for the right here, right now, because that's the only thing you can do anything about.

The past has changed my present, so I'm living my present hoping my future is always going to be this good. Living it for love, and walking with whoever i want.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

One.

. . . three . . . two . . . one . . . one . . . one.

Right here, right now, I can think of only one single person who I would trust with my life. I don't know whether it's me who is changing, or if it's the people around me, and if I'm honest, i really don't care. The fact is, that everybody is growing up, moving on, meeting new people. Everyone except me, who seems to be last resort, and bottom of everybody's lists.

People who I've been friends with since I was five are changing. More important things to do, better places to go, different people to see. I'm the one left in the shadows. Again. People who swore we would always be friends are stabbing me in the back, leaking my secrets, using my plans.

As every other kid my age is asking their friends for excuses to tell their parents so that they can go out, I'm asking my parents for excuses to tell my friends so that i don't have to. Because if I do, i know I'm gonna be the one who has the piss ripped out of them, and who nobody actually gives a shit about and ignores for the whole day.

I guess it has to be me, because I've been shunned by everyone. Something I've done, something about the person I am. It's not that everyone else has been injected with bitch, its just that I don't get it.

Now, even the girl who called herself Retro Barbie Doll has changed, lost her title. Well part of it anyway. She's been melted down into pure plastic. Retro Barbie Doll, is now just another Barbie. She was the posh girl, who used the big words, and everybody laughed at because she wasn't the same. She came into our world and said she felt like she was on a 'plastic pedestal'. She knew, even then, just weeks after she started that she had chosen the wrong group of friends. But she was right, there was no going back, the door was closed. I still want her to be herself, and be that funky retro kid she was, joke about the things you want to joke about, speak how you want to speak, use the words you want to use. But, no. Even she laughs at me now. Pure plastic.

There's the girl who laughs at her own friends. "She's ginger, she's skanky, she's greasy, she's ugly, she's hairy, she looks like a man". And I'm not going to deny joining in, at times, when i had to. To be "fit-in". And for some reason, people are too scared to slag off this fat, bitchy, daddy's little princess, all bimboed up in her little blond world. I don't care anymore. I will say what i like and do what i like, because I'm fed up of pretending. Four years is more than enough for me.

I can only think of one person I have said something secret to, who has actually stuck to my wishes and not told anyone. Gossip is just too good nowadays. My bubbly, busty shell has a few cracks, but i think I'm scared of breaking out. If i do, and tell everyone what i really think, I'm going to be left on my own. One girl with absolutely no-one. Are fake friends better than no friends? I honestly don't know, and I am too scared to find out.

One person I can trust, and I would trust you with my life. I will tell you everything you ever want to know about me. Cliche, cheesy, but I love you with all my heart. Always.

I don't blog, I write.
Just, Me.

Ecstasy.

For the first time ever, i really dont care if we have sun or not this year. So far, its been miserable, and i honestly dont mind. I don't care if im tanned and can mess about on a beach, or if i go for a walk in a scarf and winter coat and kiss in the rain. Summer isn't about the sun and the ice cream; its about making it six weeks of pure ecstasy.

I'm not the type of person who enjoys a holiday. I'd prefer to spend my break with friends rather than family, or with a boyfriend; if i'm lucky enough. And this year, i am. But i am the kind of person who neglects my friends slightly whilst in a relationship. Sorry. I don't mean to. And how cliché is it, to say that i have taken a ride on this crazy rollercoaster ride they call love. Yes, it is cliché, but its so true. Im trapped in a cart with just one other person, having the time of my life, going round and round and round and round and . . .

I can't get off until its finished, and i don't want it to end either. Not ever.

My summer ecstasy, is my walks on the beach, my kisses in the rain, my warm evening barbeques, my lazy cuddled up mornings, my evenings spent stargazing, my afternoons watching raindrops racing down the windows, my making time for friends, my spending time how I want.

My being in love. My making it beautiful. My perfect ecstasy.

I dont blog. I write.
Just, Me.

Classic?

So maybe I'm not your average blogger. Maybe I don’t write how I should. But maybe I write how I want to write, and I'm hoping that’s okay. I don't know what to say, or how to begin, so I'm writing it, straight out of my head. How it comes.

After 3 months, I have finally uploaded my LA pictures, and just checked out the LA video. After being caught up on 2 completely different guys for 8 months before, in the video, and the photos, I actually look truly happy. And I was, for the first time in ages. It was the time when everything changed. And it changed for the best. It wasn't even the holiday that made me this happy kid that I am, it was good old facebook. And one boy who cared!

1. A drugged up smoker, who yes, came across as the perfect guy. Maybe? It was only 2 weeks, and it was a good two weeks. But it wasn't love. He was a two-faced, lying, cheating, BASTARD. But now? We are friends. And if I'm honest, it’s strange because in all this time, tiny insignificant me, was the one person who changed this guy. And maybe he will be "the perfect guy", but it will be for someone who wants him. And that’s not me anymore, and it hasn't been in ages.

2. Older, by 4 and a half years. To be honest, I don’t know who this guy ever thought he was? Did he know what he was doing? He said things that made me feel like I was the only person who mattered to him. Pfftt!! I laugh how pathetic this 20 year old boy is. I thought I needed to grow up so I could be with him! I think he needs to grow up so he can look in the mirror and see what a twat he is. In an immature teenage relationship, acting like a married couple? And you know what the funniest thing is? He is scared of me! I'm not a threat to him, and I never was. I don’t think I ever had any real feelings for him, but he made me believe I did. Gay.

3. Basically, I love you. That’s it. Everything. I’m the happiest I have ever been and I don’t want anything to change. Trust me. This is perfection.

So what’s my point? I really don’t know. I guess, money truly can't buy you happiness. In LA, boiling hot, one of the most amazing places on earth, and why am I happy? Because I receive a facebook message from a mathlete, and I know it’s going to be something awesome. It didn't really take anything for him to change the way I thought, and felt about 2 completely different people. Just a chat. That’s it. You are my smile.

I don't blog. I write.
Just, Me.